"The Forest" Paper 2: Section B
I woke up on a bed of moist soil. Leaves piled on top of my chest and were tangled within my messy hair. As I laid there I started at the trees above. Leaves dangled from the branches, struggling to hold on, the spider web of branches that intertwined with others blocking off any sight of the sky and only a few specks of light found its way in. When I got to my feet I noticed that there was a musty feeling in the air. There was a fog that roamed the forest and it crawled up my legs and my back giving me unsettling chills. The longer I stood still the longer I began to see things that weren’t there. The tree trunks, thick and thin, looked like mysterious figures in the heavy fog and it looked like there were eyes glowing through the fog though it was just my imagination. But I felt like I was being watched. Though the fog, from the trees, hiding behind rocks and boulders.
Suddenly a craw of a bird above and the howling of the wind as it rushed by in a heavy breeze startled me out of my trance of fear. I took a step forward but it wasn’t long till those steps turned into strides. I knew in my mind I had to find a way out. But the many roots I tripped over, the leaves in my face, the slippery mud, and of course the wicked vines as they wrapped around my ankles and pulled me to the ground were stopping me from finding an exit.
In the distance, I could hear the sound of running water, however I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. I knew if I found a river I could follow it and it would soon get me out of the forest. The tree’s seemed to get taller and taller the more I stayed. Their gray trunks and withered black leaves haunted my mind. I ran in another direction in hopes of finding the river. Nothing. Went in another direction. Nothing, but the trees and fog. They were mocking me and laughed at my struggles and loss of sanity. The rushing water became louder and louder all around me. The flow of the water haunted my mind and drove me insane. It sounded like a continuous ticking that wouldn’t stop. I fell to my knees and covered my ear to make it go away. I began to question everything about this evil forest. What did it want from me? Why am I here?
When I opened my eyes for the second time I saw a clearing in the fog. Voices were whispering my name, calling me. I instinctively walked over without thinking. In the middle of the clearing was a stone, a tombstone. It was weathered and cracks covered the edges. I brushed away the dust and vines that rested on the stone and after what I saw I couldn’t take it anymore. It was my name and the year range that were no longer readable underneath. I backed away breathless.
Immediately the soil in front of the tombstone opened up to reveal the full grave. An open, broken, coffin laid in front of me, deep in the hole. Was I dead? Am I spirit trapped here? The air became heavy and I struggled to breathe as I went into a panic state. As I fell towards the ground due to feeling weak I tripped and fell into the hole the coffin was in. But when I expected to hit the rotting wood I continued to fall. The circle of light that I fell from was sealed off. As I fell I continuously hit my head on the edges of the hole, rocks and being poked by stiff roots. IT felt like hours until I blanked out once again.
Suddenly a craw of a bird above and the howling of the wind as it rushed by in a heavy breeze startled me out of my trance of fear. I took a step forward but it wasn’t long till those steps turned into strides. I knew in my mind I had to find a way out. But the many roots I tripped over, the leaves in my face, the slippery mud, and of course the wicked vines as they wrapped around my ankles and pulled me to the ground were stopping me from finding an exit.
In the distance, I could hear the sound of running water, however I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. I knew if I found a river I could follow it and it would soon get me out of the forest. The tree’s seemed to get taller and taller the more I stayed. Their gray trunks and withered black leaves haunted my mind. I ran in another direction in hopes of finding the river. Nothing. Went in another direction. Nothing, but the trees and fog. They were mocking me and laughed at my struggles and loss of sanity. The rushing water became louder and louder all around me. The flow of the water haunted my mind and drove me insane. It sounded like a continuous ticking that wouldn’t stop. I fell to my knees and covered my ear to make it go away. I began to question everything about this evil forest. What did it want from me? Why am I here?
When I opened my eyes for the second time I saw a clearing in the fog. Voices were whispering my name, calling me. I instinctively walked over without thinking. In the middle of the clearing was a stone, a tombstone. It was weathered and cracks covered the edges. I brushed away the dust and vines that rested on the stone and after what I saw I couldn’t take it anymore. It was my name and the year range that were no longer readable underneath. I backed away breathless.
Immediately the soil in front of the tombstone opened up to reveal the full grave. An open, broken, coffin laid in front of me, deep in the hole. Was I dead? Am I spirit trapped here? The air became heavy and I struggled to breathe as I went into a panic state. As I fell towards the ground due to feeling weak I tripped and fell into the hole the coffin was in. But when I expected to hit the rotting wood I continued to fall. The circle of light that I fell from was sealed off. As I fell I continuously hit my head on the edges of the hole, rocks and being poked by stiff roots. IT felt like hours until I blanked out once again.
Dear Zoie,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you had a good story, but there were some compilations, which I could see when reading. What I mean by that is I could tell that you were trying to pull together ideas to write about. An example of this is in every paragraph, your first paragraph was your best one. The reason that I say that is due to the fact that you were trying; you were deciding what you were seeing and feeling, but then you started to drift. By talking about the setting and you spik to another topic that should have been aother paragraph. Example ‘Leaves dangled from the branches…’, and ‘The longer I stood still the longer I began to see things’ this last quote should have been the start of a new paragraph. So what im saying this was poor structure, and maybe you should plan. This would be the bullet point in level 2, ‘some attempt to organize text; ideas are developed in a limited manner’.
You clearly ‘ address the audience’ . The audience is pretty easy to address because You exceeded the prompt. The prompt was to write a descriptive piece about an eerie forest. That being said, you wrote a descriptive piece. However, I don't think you engaged the audience as much as you could have. The reason I said you didn't engage the audience as much as you could have is because your descriptive sentences were short and didn't go into death although they were describing something. Example: ‘As I laid there I stared at the trees above.’ level 3; Bullet point ‘Audience is addressed’.
You achieved the task and your cottage was good. I don't have much to say about your content other than the fact that you should've got into more depth, but overall it was good for a level three. The reason I didn't give you a four is because of the lack of depth within your peace. Level 4 says ‘Task is achieved well;Contact is relevant’ but level 3 says ‘Test is Achieved;Content is relevant’, I think level three just explains what you did and what you could've provided on, in this bullet point.
I don't think you have many errors which are in level three, level three says ‘Occasional errors which do not and impede communication.’ I don't think any of your errors affected the reading capability of your writing.
You had a clear expression in a wide language variety which your choice was precise and you used the correct language when you were writing your piece. You use descriptive language which gives the reader a sense of what you imagine and where you were. But I think you could have used Factive and more sophisticated words. Examples of your descriptive language ‘moist soil’, ‘heavy fog’, and ‘trance of fear’.
I gave you a 13 out of 25.
Hi Zoie. I give you a 15/25. The errors that I found were not huge so they should be easy changes.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, with spelling you mostly aced it. However, in your first paragraph, you write "though the fog" when it should be through.
Another issue I had is throughout your piece you failed to write about where you were walking and how fast you were walking. The only thing you write about walking is "I took a step forward". It is an important detail to write about when your whole story is walking through a scary forest.
The third issue I had was you did not finish the storyline with the vines, which could have been really helpful for upping your story because it would have made it scarier to include more details about the vines. You write about how the vines wrap around you and pull you down. Then, the paragraph ends and it is onto the river.
The final issue I had was you did not have enough going on in your story to truly give an eerie effect and make your story pop. Which, you definitely could have done since your word count is only about 640. I feel like for this story you just wanted to get it completed and turned in instead of focusing on making it a good piece.
However, the few eerie and mysterious details you had were really good, such as, "giving me unsettling chills". Whenever I read about chills I always get them, which helps the reader feel the omnicity you want them to. I also really liked the detail you included about the tombstone, it added an extra kick to your story. Finally, I also like how you built up a sense of mystery by waking up on a moist bed of soil, which causes the reader to ask themselves questions because of how mysterious it is.
Hey Zoie,
ReplyDeleteOverall you did a good job on your blog. You were on topic by creating a sense of strangeness and fear.
There are a couple sentences that seem to run on and could be split in half. For example, “The tree trunks, thick and thin, looked like mysterious figures in the heavy fog and it looked like there were eyes glowing through the fog though it was just my imagination.” Instead, you could split it up in two different sentences like “The tree trunks, thick and thin, looked like mysterious figures in the heavy fog. It seemed like there were eyes glowing through the dense fog, but it was just my imagination.” Also in a couple sentences you added an extra word that wasn’t necessary.
Overall I would give you a 12. The “task is achieved” by using descriptive words and phrases like “Voices were whispering my name, calling me.” It creates a sense of horror and strangeness. There were “occasional errors which do not impede communication”
The only advice I would give you is to reread it all to avoid running on sentences and to add more to the ending. It felt rushed and I think you could have written in more detail.